So, lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. What is it that makes me who I am? What major life events, or even not so major life events, have shaped who I am? What has had positive effects on me, and what has affected me negatively?
A lot of who we become is based off past experiences and how we react to those experiences. One of my deepest issues that I am dealing with is very personal to me. I know many have heard about this issue, but most may not realize how profoundly it has affected me.
The death of my Dad was unexpected, and therefore I think it has affected me more so than the death of my Mom. I was always a Daddy's girl. I idolized my Dad, and I realize this. My Dad was a wonderful man. He had been battling health issues my entire life which always made me worry that one day I might come home and he would be gone. Not gone for the day or gone for the night, but gone for the rest of my life. It was something that was always in the back of my mind.
My Dad had a lot of health issues, but the one that got him should have never happened. After a surgery to remove an aortic aneurism, he got an infection from a nurse not cleaning her hands properly before messing with his trach. Needless to say he ended up with an infection that could have been prevented, yet we were not told about this until days before his death, almost two months later. I watched as my Dad suffered in pain, trapped inside his own body, before finally passing away. The memories of that day will haunt me forever.
I feel such guilt over this happening to him, you will never believe it. I told him to have the surgery, though I thought he should have it performed at another hospital than the one he chose, and I urged him to do it as soon as possible. Had I not pushed the issue so much, maybe things would have been differently. I hadn't gotten to spend the amount of time with my Dad that I was used to since I had started working for the police department, and that kills me. I put money and a career ahead of family, which is something I had said I would never do. I came to resent that job, though I do miss the pay and benefits.
My Mom also passed away, though her death had been expected. My Mom and I were never close until she got sick. I always thought she hated me as I was growing up because she had difficulty expressing emotions. I feel so bad for all the time she and I missed out on with one another. She could have been my best friend and mentor, but sadly neither of us were able to set our differences aside until it was nearly too late.
The death of my Mom has made me appreciate Mothers in general. I am one now, so maybe that has helped as well. I never understood what she had given up to take care of me and see that I was provided for and protected until it was too late. It amazes me what mothers are willing to sacrifice for their children. It is truly a beautiful thing.
Without my parents alive and in my life, I feel that I have a huge void. Luckily, I have my son's Grandmother and my sister (biological mother) in my life to help guide me. I feel the bond between mother and child is something special that needs to be nurtured and cherished. I am happy to have both women in my life to help guide me and help me provide my son with the best.
I have an extreme phobia of being alone. Not necessarily alone as in by myself at a house, but alone as in no one to share my life with. I want to be loved and to love someone in return. I truly do have someone I love, and though I know he knows it, I think at times all of my issues combined are hard for him to handle and comprehend.
I am trying not to let things like this impact my life so much, but I will be perfectly honest, it is damn hard. I am trying though, and that is what is important. I am taking things one day at a time, and trying to lay down some framework for my future without planning every little detail since things do change.
My next blog will, if I can bring myself to discuss it, deal with a much darker issue from my past that I seriously need to resolve. I will warn you, the next blog will not be easy for me to write, and may be difficult for some to read due to the subject matter. I am enjoying this experimentation of self-therapy and self-discovery.
