Deep Personal Thought

So, lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. What is it that makes me who I am? What major life events, or even not so major life events, have shaped who I am? What has had positive effects on me, and what has affected me negatively?

A lot of who we become is based off past experiences and how we react to those experiences. One of my deepest issues that I am dealing with is very personal to me. I know many have heard about this issue, but most may not realize how profoundly it has affected me.

The death of my Dad was unexpected, and therefore I think it has affected me more so than the death of my Mom. I was always a Daddy's girl. I idolized my Dad, and I realize this. My Dad was a wonderful man. He had been battling health issues my entire life which always made me worry that one day I might come home and he would be gone. Not gone for the day or gone for the night, but gone for the rest of my life. It was something that was always in the back of my mind.

My Dad had a lot of health issues, but the one that got him should have never happened. After a surgery to remove an aortic aneurism, he got an infection from a nurse not cleaning her hands properly before messing with his trach. Needless to say he ended up with an infection that could have been prevented, yet we were not told about this until days before his death, almost two months later. I watched as my Dad suffered in pain, trapped inside his own body, before finally passing away. The memories of that day will haunt me forever.

I feel such guilt over this happening to him, you will never believe it. I told him to have the surgery, though I thought he should have it performed at another hospital than the one he chose, and I urged him to do it as soon as possible. Had I not pushed the issue so much, maybe things would have been differently. I hadn't gotten to spend the amount of time with my Dad that I was used to since I had started working for the police department, and that kills me. I put money and a career ahead of family, which is something I had said I would never do. I came to resent that job, though I do miss the pay and benefits.

My Mom also passed away, though her death had been expected. My Mom and I were never close until she got sick. I always thought she hated me as I was growing up because she had difficulty expressing emotions. I feel so bad for all the time she and I missed out on with one another. She could have been my best friend and mentor, but sadly neither of us were able to set our differences aside until it was nearly too late.

The death of my Mom has made me appreciate Mothers in general. I am one now, so maybe that has helped as well. I never understood what she had given up to take care of me and see that I was provided for and protected until it was too late. It amazes me what mothers are willing to sacrifice for their children. It is truly a beautiful thing.

Without my parents alive and in my life, I feel that I have a huge void. Luckily, I have my son's Grandmother and my sister (biological mother) in my life to help guide me. I feel the bond between mother and child is something special that needs to be nurtured and cherished. I am happy to have both women in my life to help guide me and help me provide my son with the best.

I have an extreme phobia of being alone. Not necessarily alone as in by myself at a house, but alone as in no one to share my life with. I want to be loved and to love someone in return. I truly do have someone I love, and though I know he knows it, I think at times all of my issues combined are hard for him to handle and comprehend.

I am trying not to let things like this impact my life so much, but I will be perfectly honest, it is damn hard. I am trying though, and that is what is important. I am taking things one day at a time, and trying to lay down some framework for my future without planning every little detail since things do change.

My next blog will, if I can bring myself to discuss it, deal with a much darker issue from my past that I seriously need to resolve. I will warn you, the next blog will not be easy for me to write, and may be difficult for some to read due to the subject matter. I am enjoying this experimentation of self-therapy and self-discovery.

Missing Someone and Trying to Plan for the Future

One of my major issues I have had throughout my life is my inability to plan ahead and actually stick to those plans. This is something I am working on very hard right now. Not only am I trying to stick to it for my schooling, but for my personal life as well. I have some things planned for my future that I'm not certain will ever happen, but I've got other things I really want to see happen and am determined to do everything in my power to make them come true.

I am missing someone very much right now. Names needn't be mentioned, as this person knows who they are. This person is a crucial part of my future plans at this point in time, and I am missing this very special someone very much.

My missing this person also plays into my fears of being alone and my feelings of abandonment I've long dealt with, but mostly kept inside. While I know I am not alone, as this person would always be a part of my life no matter what, I feel truly alone at times now, which I never had that issue before this person parted ways with me. I realize that I had taken this person for granted, and that was wrong. I realize that I projected anger at this person that wasn't meant to be directed that way. I did a lot of things that lead this person to feeling like they must spend some time away from me. This person is not without fault, however, and knows it. We are both dealing with our own issues to make us happy as individuals and once that is achieved we can look to a future again.

I hate when people leave. Goodbyes are so hard for me. I used to skip the last day of school because I always balled like a baby knowing I might not see my friends for the entire summer, and that if they moved away we would most likely lose contact forever. I had even found myself doing this in my adult life. Instead of looking at the joys in goodbyes, starting over fresh with a new adventure, I always seem to get hung up on what I might be leaving behind. This comes from feelings of abandonment from when I was a child.

Though my biological parents had their reasons they couldn't keep me, which I am truly thankful for because it led me to my Mom and Dad, without whom I wouldn't be the person I am today, I have always had feelings of inadequacy and abandonment due to this. I always felt as though I had done something wrong and that is why they didn't want me. This feeling was reiterated to me as a teen and again as an adult when my biological father came in and out of my life, never giving any explanation when he chose to leave. It was only after his death I came to realize that his not being in my life was not by choice. He had been giving false information as to my feelings and wants where he was concerned, and therefore chose not to upset me by sticking around. I wish he and I had known the truth sooner so I could have gotten to know him as a person and so he could have seen his Grandson before he passed. Alas, all he was able to see were pictures of Giovanni.

I don't honestly know what the future holds for me, but I do know that it is time I take responsibility for the things that happen in my life. It is time I take responsibility for the things that will happen to me in the future. The future is what you make it, and I want to make mine the best it can be, centered around me being truly happy with MY FAMILY.

Not everyone who walks away from me is going to be out of my life for good. I am just realizing this. Not everyone who walks away is doing it because of some inadequacy I have, sometimes they just need a break from other factors of the situation. I need to quit taking everything so personally. I am working on this, and feel I am doing much better. It is amazing the insight one gains by looking deeply at themselves.

To those I may have taken for granted, I am sorry. I know sorry doesn't even begin to make up for it, but it is all I can offer right now. I will show you I am sorry through my actions. Maybe one day I can prove that I can change my behavior.