One of my major issues I have had throughout my life is my inability to plan ahead and actually stick to those plans. This is something I am working on very hard right now. Not only am I trying to stick to it for my schooling, but for my personal life as well. I have some things planned for my future that I'm not certain will ever happen, but I've got other things I really want to see happen and am determined to do everything in my power to make them come true.
I am missing someone very much right now. Names needn't be mentioned, as this person knows who they are. This person is a crucial part of my future plans at this point in time, and I am missing this very special someone very much.
My missing this person also plays into my fears of being alone and my feelings of abandonment I've long dealt with, but mostly kept inside. While I know I am not alone, as this person would always be a part of my life no matter what, I feel truly alone at times now, which I never had that issue before this person parted ways with me. I realize that I had taken this person for granted, and that was wrong. I realize that I projected anger at this person that wasn't meant to be directed that way. I did a lot of things that lead this person to feeling like they must spend some time away from me. This person is not without fault, however, and knows it. We are both dealing with our own issues to make us happy as individuals and once that is achieved we can look to a future again.
I hate when people leave. Goodbyes are so hard for me. I used to skip the last day of school because I always balled like a baby knowing I might not see my friends for the entire summer, and that if they moved away we would most likely lose contact forever. I had even found myself doing this in my adult life. Instead of looking at the joys in goodbyes, starting over fresh with a new adventure, I always seem to get hung up on what I might be leaving behind. This comes from feelings of abandonment from when I was a child.
Though my biological parents had their reasons they couldn't keep me, which I am truly thankful for because it led me to my Mom and Dad, without whom I wouldn't be the person I am today, I have always had feelings of inadequacy and abandonment due to this. I always felt as though I had done something wrong and that is why they didn't want me. This feeling was reiterated to me as a teen and again as an adult when my biological father came in and out of my life, never giving any explanation when he chose to leave. It was only after his death I came to realize that his not being in my life was not by choice. He had been giving false information as to my feelings and wants where he was concerned, and therefore chose not to upset me by sticking around. I wish he and I had known the truth sooner so I could have gotten to know him as a person and so he could have seen his Grandson before he passed. Alas, all he was able to see were pictures of Giovanni.
I don't honestly know what the future holds for me, but I do know that it is time I take responsibility for the things that happen in my life. It is time I take responsibility for the things that will happen to me in the future. The future is what you make it, and I want to make mine the best it can be, centered around me being truly happy with MY FAMILY.
Not everyone who walks away from me is going to be out of my life for good. I am just realizing this. Not everyone who walks away is doing it because of some inadequacy I have, sometimes they just need a break from other factors of the situation. I need to quit taking everything so personally. I am working on this, and feel I am doing much better. It is amazing the insight one gains by looking deeply at themselves.
To those I may have taken for granted, I am sorry. I know sorry doesn't even begin to make up for it, but it is all I can offer right now. I will show you I am sorry through my actions. Maybe one day I can prove that I can change my behavior.
