I still remember when he came to stay with us. I was about four years old and oh so naïve. I never thought anything like that would happen. I never dreamt that I would lose my innocence. To this day only a small handful of people know. This is something hard for me to share, but I need to get it out there to finally move past it.
I was in my parent's room lying on the bed watching Sesame Street. It was among my favorite shows. I was wearing the cutest little jumper dress and my little feet with white socks, the ones with the lace ruffles, were kicking back and forth in the air as I intently focused on the show and hung out in my imaginary world with my then best friends. I remember him coming in the room with me and sitting down on the bed next to me. I remember him saying the tickle monster was going to get me, then him running his hands between my thighs tickling me. I can still see him get up and shut the door and hear him telling me I'd have to be quiet so my parents wouldn't hear us or we'd get into trouble.
I didn't understand why they would have a problem with Merle* and I watching TV and him playing tickle monster with me, but then again I was four so it was only a passing thought. I went back to watching Elmo and Big Bird and didn't think too much more about it.
Moments later he was playing tickle monster again, but this time his hand went inside my panties. He told me he was going to tickle me in a 'special place' and that it would feel good. I remember him undoing his pants and sliding off my underwear. I was pinned down on the bed and told not to scream or he and I would get into trouble. I remember feeling something other than his hand between my thighs.
The next thing I remember, my older sister was chasing him out of the room and telling my parents what she had seen when she opened the door. The next morning, Merle was gone. I was taken to see a shrink but don't remember much about the "talks" we had. I remember being shown those stupid little dolls that are "anatomically correct" and being asked if I had ever seen one of the "boy parts" before.
My entire life I have dealt with insecurities and fear of men. Not all men, of course, but some who remind me of him. Merle was, after all, my cousin, only about eight years my senior. I found out later Merle had been sexually molested as a younger child by his step-father, so I guess it isn't entirely his fault.
For the longest time I would want guys to touch me, but when they did it was almost as though I was outside my own body watching what was happening. I would completely zone out. I did that with my 'first time' having sex as an adult. I even remember telling him afterwards to never touch me again. I also became somewhat promiscuous as time went on. I was definitely a cock-tease, but it didn't stop there. I found alcohol to be a good way to numb the thoughts and emotions connected to physical intimacy and for a long time used it as my vice and a way to 'perform' without dealing with the reality of it.
It wasn't until I fell in love so deeply that I finally stopped doing that. He is the only one I truly feel comfortable with. He is the only one that can touch me, without the shield of alcohol, and I won't shutter. I don't know what I would do without him.
I don't know what ever happened to Merle. I have been told he is down in Florida somewhere, married with children. I don't know if he ever did that to anyone else or if it stopped with me. It seems to be a big family secret, what happened to me. Either no one really knows or they just refuse to admit it happened. I'm not sure which. I know my parents tried to keep things hush-hush, as I'm assuming was instructed by the shrink I was taken to. They wouldn't really even discuss it with me when I tried to talk to them about it later in life; the subject was always very quickly changed. I wish I could fill in the missing space, but instead it is blackness. I'm sure I have those 'repressed memories' hidden somewhere in my brain, but they are locked away so tight I may never find them.
As darkness falls and I reflect upon this event in my life I realize that I am not alone. There are thousands, possibly millions of other people out there who have been through this. Keeping it inside will tear you apart. I know it has me. I guess I felt it was just finally time to tell my story. Maybe one of my friends needed to see this or something so they could deal with something similar in their own life. I don't know.
*Name has been changed to protect identity
